Full Circles

coming around again.  another full circle.  Another end of a year.  I have been waking up to strange and amazing dreams lately.  They are almost like messages from a future self saying, 'Now is the time!'

It's time to do the work and acheieve my goals and make my dreams come true.

I feel like I've come full circle on who I currently am.  It's time to start anew and bring something great to the table. Someone who's more vibrant and alive.  I am ready.  I can do this.  I can live.

Time for a new life and a new year.  2011.

party

#Reverb10 December 9 prompt:

Prompt: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.


I'm not much of a partier, but I do enjoy social gatherings when we do go out.  I think the best one this past year was surprising a work friend in the city.  We hadn't planned on going, but we turned up and surprised him anyway.  From there the shenanigans commenced.  From bar hopping to dancing to karaoke, it really was an amazing night.


Then there is always visits from my husband's best friend.  Whenever he is in town, we can be sure that a good time is always to be had.  Not to mention all the nights we went out when we were on vacation.  I loved just hanging out in the Granary or the Waterline in Leith with good company and good conversation.  It makes me miss Scotland even more to think of it now.

#reverb10 - doubling up.

December 6 – Make.

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

I make a lot of things.  Physically, it's usually a knitting project.  I think the last thing I finished was a christmas gift for my sister, and I'm currently working on one for my Mom. hopefully I'll finish before Christmas.

But there are tons of projects that I would love to start.  I just haven't found the time.  I would love to get back into art journaling and collage.  I've been thinking about it often.  Maybe in the new year, I can clear a space and some time for it.

Daily Prompt: December 5 – Let Go.

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I feel that I let go of a huge part of me that was consumed daily by jealousy.  A part of me that was utterly convinced that I was not good enough. But something clicked inside me early this year that said "let it go, you don't have a need for that anymore.  It's time to move on."

And so I did.  And I am worth it.

Growing up

When I turned 35, I was scared. I felt like my life was slipping away.  And sometimes I still do, but I think I've really come a long way this year in the "growing up" department.

I feel stronger and more capable.  I feel less burdened by little things like jealousy.  And I'm learning that I can control my emotions, my body and my life.

I'm also learning that I can't be everything to everyone.  I can't fix other people's problems.  I can only do so much.

I'm learning that it is ok to be selfish sometimes.  Because Me & Us time is VERY important.

Found

Something has transformed in me.  Something great.  Something beautiful and something bright.  The darkness has finally cleared away from my eyes and now I see clearer.  I see me.  I SEE ME.  I feel differently about myself.  I feel happier.  I'm still on a journey, and I always will be, but I've shed the cloak of sap and sorrow that I kept for so long.

It's finally time for me to shine.  It's finally time for me to be comfortable with me.  It's finally time for me to LIVE.

I started taking dance fitness classes about a month ago.  And they have really been great.  But there is one class that recharges me and fills my soul with peace.  It's called IntenSATI.  The instructor takes us through a series of movements and we repeat a set of affirmations after her as we are moving (and sweating!).

Everyday.
In a very true way.
I co-create my reality.

As above, so is below.
This is what I know.

This month our focus is "Success".  We focus on succeeding in  our lives, in our tasks, in our dreams.  My focus right now has been on my health and family.  So I spend a lot of my brain power focusing on these things.

I feel proud of myself for making the steps that I have.  I feel proud of my accomplishments.  And I look forward to the possibilities of my future.

Namaste.

Lost

Sometimes I feel like I've got it.  I know what I need to do and I can do it.  And a moment later, it can all fall apart.  I can have a dream or a goal and rather than making it happen I will sit and wish and hope and dream and  watch as the dream slowly goes away.  I know, it isn't going to happen magically by itself.  But nothing seems to motivate me.  Nothing.  And I feel lost and overwhelmed with everything I want and hope and dream for.

so many dreams... I want so much.  Maybe I want too much.  And everything feels just out of reach.

March was stressful and threw me for a loop.  I thought April would be better and it has been, but not creatively or productively towards dreams.  April has been detrimental because it's my birth month. And while usually I look forward to it, this was the first year I did not.  Instead I'm just feeling old and run down and feel like my life if going no where.

I know this is just a rutt, and it won't last.  But is sure is sticking around and bringing me down.

rough days

They will happen.  Today was one of them.  And unfortunately when I have a stressful day, it makes my day twice as long and twice as hard.  I'm unable to focus and concentrate on my work.  I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper.  My chest felt tight.  I wanted to run away from my responsibilities.

But tonight I come home and i'm far away from all of that.  With someone who loves me completely and supports me.

And at the end of the end I have to remember to turn the bad days around, look back and see that I can do things differently.  Pick myself up, find new ways to make things easier, make it a challenge.  make it an adventure.  Turn it all around.  For the better.

adventure: let life scoop you up and bring you somewhere

I didn't get a chance to go on any adventures this week due to work life getting in the way.  But I will say that I did adventure with a couple of books that I am reading an listening to.

I am reading Tales of a Female Nomad by Rita Golden Gelman.  Where she adventures in Central America, Galapagos, Bali, Indonesia (so far)  I had wanted to read this book for a few years and it was finally the right time.

The other book is The Outlander by Diana Gabaldon.  I have been listening to this one at work (and everywhere else that I can wear my headphones).  I wanted to read this book over 10 years ago, but could never really get started on it.  I'm absolutely sucked in now and found that listening to the story is great for a rainy weekend.  Yesterday I spent hours listening and knitting.  It was my dream day.   So very relaxing!

And if it ever stops raining today I might adventure out, other wise I"ll just continue on my reading adventures.

focus

Right now I am wishing for some focus.  I would like to focus on the good, on the things that matter.  Focus on the gifts I have been given, and on the good things to come.

In the past week I have been reminded that every day is precious.  And how we choose to live each day is important.  I have spend so many days, weeks, months, years, choosing to waste them being unhappy, unsatisfied, jealous, upset or depressed.  Granted, I don't expect to never have another bad day or to never be sad again,  but I can choose guide my path where I want it to go, and  stop letting it take me no where.

I need focus in my life.  I need change.  I need to see my dreams coming true.  I need to do the work.

internal shifts: creating dreams come true from the inside out

this is my health - pure, healthy, strong, freeing, easy

• detox
• consume less sugar
• eat healthier
• exercise atleast 4 days a week
• do my exercise dvds
• ride the bike
• go for more walks

these are my relationships - deep, strong, warm, bold, constant

• pay more attention
• call friends and loved ones more often
• make plans with family more often
• make time for the two of us

this is my abundance - freeing, relief, grateful

• donate old clothes and items
• recycle

this is my creativity/purpose - happiness, soulful, me

• writing
• journaling
• knitting
• art journals

this is how I practice self love/care - quiet, happy, me

• quiet time for myself
• writing
• being inspired

this is how I experience happiness/adventure - brave, bold, excited

• random day trips
• exploring new places
• being with friends
• 
  

My success list

I'm sure that there are more than this, but it's late and I'll continue to add to this list as well as my dream list.

• taught myself to knit
• reconnected with my best friend
• am in a loving, supportive, healthy relationship of 15 years.
• married for 12 years (and counting) :)
• read the entire twilight series
• connected with my inner 17 year old again :)

The beginnings of my list of dreams

This is just the beginning of my list of dreams...

• To become a runner 
• Try the Couch to 5K program
• Get contacts
• Live in the moment.
• Dance more.
• spend more time with my cousin.
• Lose weight. Get healthy.
• Be myself.
• Try two new recipes a month (hopefully this number will continue to climb)
• Make plans with old friends.
• Nurture my personal goals
• learn to crochet a granny square.
• Make some knitting friends
• Teach someone to knit.
• journal more
• Write.  Even if it's just editing an old story or poems.
• say what I think.   Mean what I say.
• Don't be afraid to learn new things.
• Don't be afraid to try new things.
• Don't be afraid to fail.
• Learn Italian.  Or atleast enough to understand it / communicate.
• climb Arthur's Seat again.
• Take a cake decorating class.
• Try yoga.
• Have a child.
• Walk for a charity.
• Walk the length of Manhattan.
• go on a yarn crawl
• See more Broadway shows
• Visit Italy.
• Read more.

Creating my destiny

For so long I feel like I've put things off. I've always said, "I'd like to do that some day." or "I'd like to do that when I'm older."  And recently I feel like I've woken up and found that I actually AM older and now is the time to do ALL the things I've been wanting to do.  I don't want to put life off anymore.  It's time to start living it.  Time to start experiencing my world.

It is mine to explore.  Mine to create.  My dreams CAN come true.  Every day.